Think Beyond Conversation to Connect Older Adults and Kids During the Holidays

The holidays give your children a chance to spend time with grandparents they may not see as often during the rest of the year. When your parent has dementia, though, you may find yourself trying to manage the interaction before it even begins. You remind the kids to be patient, warn them that Grandma repeats herself now, and encourage them to spend some time with her while everyone is together.

A little preparation helps connect older adults and kids during the holidays, but you don’t want visiting Grandma to become another holiday obligation your children have to perform correctly. They’re still figuring out what dementia means, and they need room to have their own relationship with her.

You can help by removing some of the pressure and giving both generations easier ways to spend time together.

Start with the child you actually have.

Your four-year-old, quiet ten-year-old, and teenager aren’t going to interact with Grandpa the same way, and there’s no reason they should.

A younger child could color at the table while Grandpa sits nearby, hand him decorations to hang, or help stir ingredients for a holiday treat. An older child could show him photos on a phone, play music, work on a puzzle, or ask for help with something Grandpa still enjoys doing. Your teenager may do better with a specific reason to spend time with him rather than instructions to “go sit with Grandpa for a while.”

Personality counts, too. If your child has never been chatty with adults, dementia probably isn’t going to transform them into a charming little talk-show host. Think about what your child genuinely enjoys and where that overlaps with something your parent enjoys.

Take some of the pressure off talking.

Dementia can interfere with memory, attention, and language, which makes conversation harder to follow. Your child probably doesn’t make things any easier when they change subjects halfway through a sentence or begin a story with, “You know that kid I told you about?” when Grandpa most certainly does not.

Give them something else to focus on. They could frost cookies, make a paper chain, sort decorations, arrange treats on a plate, or look through a book together. Conversation will probably come and go while they work, and nobody has to scramble to fill every quiet moment.

Don’t assume silence means you need to swoop in and rescue the visit. Your parent and child could be perfectly content sitting together without talking much at all.

Explain the repetition before it becomes frustrating.

If your parent repeats questions or stories, tell your child why before the holiday gathering. Otherwise, hearing “When are we eating?” for the fourth time could earn Grandma an increasingly exasperated “I already told you!”

Explain that Grandma isn’t ignoring the answer or trying to annoy anyone. Her dementia makes it harder to hold on to new information, so she may not remember asking the question before.

Then give your child options. They can answer again, gently change the subject, or come find you if they’re getting frustrated. You’re teaching them how to respond to dementia, not expecting them to acquire the patience of a saint before dessert.

Change the way you bring up memories.

Your children naturally want Grandma to remember things that are important to them. They may ask whether she remembers their school play, birthday party, soccer game, or what they did together during the last visit.

When she doesn’t, resist the urge to help by piling on clues. “Remember? We sat in the front row, and Emma wore the red dress, and then we went for ice cream?” only keeps reminding your parent that there’s something she’s supposed to know.

Help your child bring the story into the present instead. They can tell Grandma what happened at the school play or show her a picture from the birthday party. Instead of asking Grandpa whether he remembers the championship game, they can show him the trophy and tell him how they won it.

Your child still gets to share something important. Your parent gets to enjoy the story without first having to prove they remember it.

Let everyone wander off when they’ve had enough.

Your child doesn’t need to spend the entire gathering beside Grandma to demonstrate how much they love her. Give them permission to go play with their cousins, watch a movie, or disappear into whatever mysterious activity has suddenly captivated every child in the house.

Give your parent the same freedom. A noisy house full of people gets tiring, and Grandma may want a break long before everyone else is ready to stop celebrating.

Short visits throughout the day often work beautifully. Your child could decorate cookies with Grandma in the morning, disappear for an hour, and sit beside her later while everyone watches a movie. Nobody needs to keep track of how many minutes they spent together.

Dementia changes a grandparent-grandchild relationship, but you don’t have to recreate what that relationship looked like before. Help them discover what works now. Sometimes that’s a conversation, sometimes it’s an activity, and sometimes it’s simply being comfortable in the same room together.

Give Yourself More Time to Be There, Too

When you’re helping a parent with dementia through a holiday gathering, you can easily spend most of the day handling their needs while everyone else visits. Let us help with personal care, meal preparation, transportation, companionship, and other needs before, during, or after the celebration.

Call Hired Hands Homecare at (866) 940-4343 and tell us what would make the holidays easier for you and your parent in San Rafael, Novato, Napa, or the surrounding areas. With some of the caregiving covered, you get more time to enjoy being together instead of managing everything around it.